let go and let it be

Rain. Thirty-six degrees. Just barely kickin' the cold out of my body. Thus, not a running day in spite of the hopeful toting of my gear and the "got to run" sentiment last night upon assessing that a week without running equated to about 3 pounds of weight gain. Ugh. Not that I'm superficial, I just prefer the results to swing the other direction, thank you.

Also, miss running. Thinking happier weather thoughts for tomorrow. Will bring a rain jacket so I can say, who cares? and go anyway. And get rained on, if needs be.

This morning, driving in to work, I was thinking about issues in my current house. Not really any, thankfully, other than some odd bugs which occasionally fall from the ceiling but seem to do absolutely no damage or creepiness. This led me to think, I hope the attic isn't full of them (said bugs). Which led me further to realize that I have never once been in my attic, not in six full years.

Which led thusly to think, "I want to go in the attic in my new house." Odd, since the current design does not include an attic. But the deeper meaning clicked in my subconscious and body even before my conscious mind figured it out hours later.

Deep, weight-ful sense of peace and presence from center, radiating out through limbs. Okay. This feels good. Present. Here. Relax, let go, let it be. Sang a little Beatles in my head, went with the moment. Continuing, hours later, it's still there, I can still conjure it up. Let it be = heavy arms. Much more than that, but that's the sensation.

So what's the connection? My inner self understood, "I want to go in the attic in my new house." It understood, I want to be fully here in MY life and in MY space and just be alive. Whole. Present. Here. Not living in a part of things, not shut off from things, not avoiding things.

So, still heavy here. Good heavy. Not the 3 pounds from lack of running due to cold, heavy, but rather - good. I like this feeling. Be here.

would rather be running. alas, coughing

It is a hazy, gray Tuesday and I am still sick. I had great intentions of going for a run today at  lunch. I even made a mental compromise with myself, to backtrack to one of the intervals from my trusty couch to 5k program and do three, 5 minute intervals with walk breaks. Unfortunately, there is also hazy grayness in my lungs still and I feel weak and ill. After much surfing to help determine the appropriate course of action, I will be staying indoors at lunchtime. Maybe tomorrow will be a return to running.

On the plus side - I miss it. That's a good feeling, to know that it's taken hold in some parts of my brain and body and rooted in and found a home. I want to get back out there. I want to push myself, feel strength in my body, feel the change in myself as I continue to go from this - to that - .

Being away from it has helped force my mind's eye a bit to see that this is a vital element of self-transformation. To challenge myself, that this is what I do, this is who I am, this is what I can become. To go back to my favorite theme, if I can change this than what else can I change about my life?

Still not ready to change some things. I "want" to change some things, but I can recognize that I am not fully ready to make that change in/for myself. I think it's creeping up on me. I hope it is, at least.

In the meantime - try to get enough sleep and eat well and relax and let my body bounce back to health. Because I want to run again, and continue to see where it takes me.

feeling like a cold has taken root but planning to go run anyway

It's a sun shiney day out there today. The sky is probably putting up a good front, suggesting moderate temperatures with its light washes of smeary clouds and sun streaming through. I suspect that, when I check the weather website, it will in fact prove to be quite cold out there. However, I do have a screaming pink hat with me so I will run at lunch.

I also feel a cold taking a hold in my head, nose, throat and lungs, and this is a touch miserable. This does tend to make one question the idea of going for a run in the cold. Yet what else would I do at lunchtime? Sit at my computer for another hour of the day? Feel icky? How about trying to shake some of the crud out of my nose and lungs with a little run, instead. At worst, it will feel quite awful and I'll end up freezing cold and unable to warm back up once I return to my heated office.

Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where, when one feels icky and coldy and ill, one could simply spend the day tucked up in blankets on a couch in the sunshine watching movies or reading books and sipping tea? Instead, our world tends more to the "get over it and go to work" side of things.

But I would much rather be snuggled in a blanket in the sunshine, if I could. It might be a short run today.

but then why can't I stop eating hershey's kisses today?

So here's the thing. I am coming up on the anniversary of the one random morning when, while driving past a boring little town named after sedimentary material, and for no particular reason on that day because it was not special, I finally had the "ah-ha" moment that had nothing to do with ground-breaking music videos. It was the breakthrough of oh, I get it. After over a year of fairly intensive work on myself and depressive tendencies and self-punishment and "this is how it's going to be forever, life sucks, it's all I deserve, it's all miserable," I think I was expecting a more "ta dah" kind of experience. All it was, was "oh, I get it" and the sense of a release through my heart. But I'll take that.

But here I am a year later and I still am having the kind of day where I eat a lot (and I mean a LOT) of crap. Today it's Hershey's Kisses. I don't even like them. I honestly have never been a big fan of these. But they were on sale and they are chocolate and if I eat them mindlessly enough, the repetitive thing is numbing. The huge sugar assault on my body and brain is numbing. The glob of chocolates in my belly is numbing. But then it's all icky. Feel icky from the sugar... feel icky in the belly... feel cloudy and icky in the head... feel icky in the mind because of the behavior...

How does a person understand one thing but not the other? Or, perhaps more accurately, how do we continue to break down walls within our minds and selves instead of being somehow satisfied with, well -I fixed THIS thing over here... well - I made THIS change over here... well, this is still a huge and ugly ball of muck in my life and I want to set it down and let it biodegrade by the side of the road of life and stop weighing me down.

If I cannot commit my full self to living a happy life - if I cannot truly allow myself to LIVE and live happily - then I will continue to hurt myself. I know that, I get it. But I can also see and feel how my internal self does not GET it. Not quite yet. That ah-ha hasn't happened yet.

you know there is something more when you watch glee videos on youtube

Sometimes, I think it is quite easy to see that you are bored. Stuck, dull, in a rut, disengaged, half alive, not really present. Sometimes, this becomes such habit and lifestyle that it becomes difficult to even see it, to recognize the rut.

When I sit here and watch a youtube video of the glee cast performing the time warp... it is abundantly clear that I am entrenched in the muddied wasteland of boredom, disengagement, half-aliveness, and sleepwalking through my life. I mean, I love music and I'm a sucker for musicals and if I had television I know I'd be slurping this show down like fresh squeezed orange juice. I would, I admit that. But, I don't have television and I do have a job and a life, sort of, and I wish the highlight of my day was something a bit more substantial than watching a glee video on youtube.

But what? Okay, in some ways I know the answer to that. Break through the walls I've built up, risk caring, risk engaging, risk expressing, etc. Yadayada and all that. But. But. Also, to find feeling and connection and passion about the world. That's a goal. Finding a way to smile. Walking through the world with an expression that says, I am content and alive. Not one that causes others to assume I am worried or exhausted. That look wins the contest most times. Content and alive, not so much screen time these days.

I can feel how much this "life to be" is going to be good - I can see it and feel it and envision it. I can see myself running with my dog to be, making a cup of tea in my little kitchen in a home that feels like a home and not just a place I happen to live in; heading into the house to create a delicious breakfast feast full of humor and joy for my guests, chatting and laughing a bit, talking about the day ahead, feeling the goodness of human connection and being alive. I know it's ahead.

But the here and now... the getting there from here. That's the hard part. The flipping BORING part. The stressful part. The part that makes me wish I had a fast-forward button. But at the same time, no, not really, because I need to sit and stew and steep and percolate in this uncomfortable here and now and find my way out. Find my peace of mind and joy of self. Find my contentment. I won't say find my bliss, because I haven't read enough about all that to have the right to use that expression, but maybe I'll say, find my groove. Or at the risk of being lame and quoting a magazine article, find my mojo.

Maybe that's the right word though. I know there's this sparkle buried under an exterior of shut down, of get by, of put up with, of tolerate, of endure and get the hell over it. So maybe that's the focus, to dig down deep into that slurry and grab a fierce and protective hold of that sparkle and coax it out to the surface and let my mojo shine, man.

Because I want to stride through life with purpose and joy and connection. And watch glee on television with a glass of wine and a big old smile on my face.

on eating stuffed baked potatoes in Moab with my mom...

This past week, I had several layers of joyful goodness. I had a full week off from work. I like my job, but still... a full week off. I got to spend much of it in Moab, which just happens to be one of my favorite places on earth thus far. In addition, my parents joined us in Moab, which was just fantastic. I was a silent, confused, confusing teenager and twenty-something, but boy oh boy has it been a joy to grow up into a fantastic adult relationship with my parents. Now, I get to experience the bliss of spending time with people I respect and admire, knowing all the while they respect me for me and think well of how I live my life. That is a great gift indeed. Add more layers of a couple of lovely and favorite Moab area hikes with my friend fellow, two zesty cold runs around downtown Moab (running on Thanksgiving day in the chilly sunshine... priceless), and excellent food (the apple pie was so-so, but the first effort at gluten free gravy was a rock star), and an opportunity to visit the site of my future home and meet my future neighbors (whew! they're cool). Thanksgiving, indeed.

Sweet moment - ordering stuffed baked potatoes for lunch with my mom; a tasty gluten free choice on the menu. A nice comment on health, and feeling better at last!, for us both.

Yesterday, I did spend about 8 full hours cleaning my house. This was not such a joyful goodness. But, that said, the house looks darn good now, so the efforts were fruitful. Even my garage floor is clean.

Now, after a chilly lunchtime run and a futile attempt to warm up with a cup of tea, it's time to look forward to hunkering down on the couch with a cozy blanket, good companionship, two adored cats, and Mrs. Brown (thanks, netflix).

Running in the snow and baking power bars

Today, it was snowing. Not enough to be terribly inconvenient, causing multiple accidents on the main roads and forcing me to shovel and curse as I hurl snow off the driveway. Actually, just enough to be a bit pretty out and to cause the neighbor dog to frolic like a nut. Snow frolicking dogs equals a smile on my face.

I did go for my first run post-couch to 5k today. Wiped snow from my eyelashes on occasion, and kept reminding myself to trust my feet (eek! ice!). Overall, it was actually pretty fun if I let myself feel that. Today's "keep running" mantras included, "what's my border collie's name?" See, as part of the next phase of life we will be adding a dog to our family. It will be a Border Collie from a rescue - I'm somewhat a Jack Russel person but my life really isn't. Border Collies are high on my list. So, knowing that my BC will be running with me sometime in the future is keeping my feet moving forward some days.

And of course, since we have decided that we really want a red and white male border collie (pardon the switcheroo capitalization throughout, I like the familiarity of small letters), my old coworker sent me an email today of a lovely black and white female they have up for adoption. Wrong gender, wrong time, we're going to put our house on the market and we have two cats in residence already, etc., etc. But is she cute as pie? Of course she is.

Thank goodness for animals. Small statement to sum up so many things in my life. But, thank goodness for animals.

And power bars - home-made, gluten free power bars which will hopefully propel me through my hikes in Moab later this week and will power my friend through her first mornings back at a previous job. It has been many years since I've cooked quinoa, and the smell of the simmering milk and vanilla and quinoa on the stove made me think that I need to try it for breakfast again sometime soon.

Oh, and I ate a decent lunch today. Hurrah. Small steps.

not quite couch but close enough, to not quite 5k but close enough

Today I completed Week 9, Day 3 of the Couch 2 5k Program. For those to whom this sounds like gibberish, this is a nifty interval training program designed to get one from "the couch," as in not fit and essentially at potato status, to running 5k (a bit over 3 miles) over 9 weeks. Three days a week, with the longest day start to stop 40 minutes. Thanks to the efforts of lots of folks, one can find free bits of music to stick on the ipod, complete with a computer voice telling you that you're doing well and that it's time to run now.

Here is what I have decided about running: It is hard. But, I am capable of doing it for sustained periods of time. In this case, 30 minutes straight. We'll see where it goes from here. Also, while I am sure many people think it's the bees knees while they are actually running - I do not. I power through, use mantras, play the music louder, issue commands to myself that I am making it happen... that sort of thing. But then I feel really good about 50 yards after I start walking at the end, and catch my breath.

But here is the sublimely cool thing about running. I can do it. International shoe companies who exploit foreign work forces' marketing slogans aside, I can actually do this. I worked through this little program, week by week, self-consciously chugging along the bike path that leads to nowhere (yes, we really have a bike path in the town of my employ which starts at a cross street and then dead-ends under a bridge) and here I am, capable of running a half hour.

The goal now is more - specifically, next December (as in 2011, yes) I want to run in the Winter Sun 10k in Moab. I pointed at the sign and said, I am going to do that. So, I am going to do that.

What else can I do? Nine weeks, I did this. I feel great, physically, from it. My pants fit better, and I am not above feeling smiley about that.

If you can change this ("I'm not a runner") then you can change that. Time to tackle the thats.

Enjoy... Slow down

What do you do after you meet Gluten Free Girl and the Chef? You go home, you make your great-great-grandmother's gingerbread gluten free for the first time ever (next batch: more molasses, more teff flour), and you start a blog. Logical, yes?

In my eighth grade yearbook, on the page where we listed what we wanted to do someday, I said, "write a novel." Twenty-three odd years later, not too surprising, I have not accomplished this.

But I did used to write. It fired me, it fed me, and it made me feel like my presence mattered. It was a way to make sense of the world and myself and to find some clarity when all seemed mud.

For some reason, when I moved westward I left my spark behind. I left my pen to paper, my finger to keyboard, behind. I abandoned much of myself over these many years here in the west. Now, on the verge of making a significant commitment to living "in the West" it feels time to be ME in every way.

One powerful thing I have begun to discover about myself and my world is that yes everything can change. I was unhealthy and often in pain - I made the change to decide that this was not tolerable, sought help, found out I have Celiac disease, changed my diet and changed my life entirely. I feel good for the first time in a decade. I decided that I was tired of feeling broken - sad, depressed, resigned to life being bad. With help I changed the way my mind accepts my life; it understands now as do I that this is not really living life. Time to change perspective, attitude, outlook, and energy. I felt lost and hollow without horses in my life. By embracing change and saying, this is not how my life will continue, this way of depriving myself of my greatest job in life has been whacked out of its rut and it will not go back.

These are small things. Change is small. That is the biggest discovery, I think. Changing your life happens by changing what you have to drink at breakfast. It is tiny steps along the way that feel better, feel more authentic, feel more "me" and right.

We'll see where this goes. This post is hardly the standard of writing I aspire to - but it's also the first thing I've written other than a note to friends in almost a decade, so I'll let it stand as the honest first, scared effort at 10pm after Shauna told me to write. Thanks for that - I will.