Supposed to stop by a halloween party tonight. Part of me wants to go, part of me loathes the idea. Couch, wine, movie sounds much more appealing. But it's also a lonely life, sometimes, when there's not really a meet-up social circle in your universe. Good thing he and I are good friends and enjoy pal-ing around, but it would be nice to cultivate friendships.
Needing to tackle the closet and bureau. Need to, truly. Need to shed, shake off, donate, and release. Let go of the excesses that don't work and dare to focus energy and resources on smaller quantities of workables only.
Wishing that I could find a place of peace in my head, where an ill-fitting sportsbra does not result in a sea of self-loathing. A garment that does not fit properly is not really an affirmation on one's worthlessness - it's really just an ill-fitting garment. Really.
Fear of being wrong - making the wrong moove, putting myself in a corner, stuck with a decision that wasn't so good. It's parties, and it's clothes, and it's overall vision of self. It's hard.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
it's her birthday, but it's not
My friend would have celebrated a birthday today. A painfully short time from now, we'll instead mark the 13th annivarsary of her death.
She was big and beautiful and generous and smart. She had a style and presence.
It was a lucky thing, to overlap her life with mine for an all too short time.
People know us in different ways, as slightly different people or versions of ourselves, I think. No matter how constant our authentic selves may be, each relationship is different from the next and me to this person is not the same as me to the next person, right?
That said, I knew her how I knew her, and she, me. I wonder sometimes how she saw me - as if I'll find a spark of insight in that.
I think the world is a better place because she was in it, but I wish she were still here. Some people remind us to live better, but I wish that the lesson of her life was ongoing in a different way.
I placed a shell I'd picked up on the beach in maine, wrapped in hand-spun yarn from my future mother-in-law, gently to rest with her alongside flowers, trinkets, scotty's ring. She was so very loved for being 100% herself. I hope she felt that while she was with us - my heart tells me that she did.
Gratitude for the people in our lives is never a bad thing.
She was big and beautiful and generous and smart. She had a style and presence.
It was a lucky thing, to overlap her life with mine for an all too short time.
People know us in different ways, as slightly different people or versions of ourselves, I think. No matter how constant our authentic selves may be, each relationship is different from the next and me to this person is not the same as me to the next person, right?
That said, I knew her how I knew her, and she, me. I wonder sometimes how she saw me - as if I'll find a spark of insight in that.
I think the world is a better place because she was in it, but I wish she were still here. Some people remind us to live better, but I wish that the lesson of her life was ongoing in a different way.
I placed a shell I'd picked up on the beach in maine, wrapped in hand-spun yarn from my future mother-in-law, gently to rest with her alongside flowers, trinkets, scotty's ring. She was so very loved for being 100% herself. I hope she felt that while she was with us - my heart tells me that she did.
Gratitude for the people in our lives is never a bad thing.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
ode to a comfort meal
Once upon a time, I lived in an eastern state that is known for its greenness. A student with limited means, any meal out was a treat. Ice cream at Friendly's was a treat (black raspberry with jimmies, thank you very much). But the ever so slightly hippie-dippie restaurant the next town over was the jam, the place to go for a delicious and comforting meal. It's aligned with fall in my mind's eye, thinking of sitting at the big round table in the front window, ordering 'soup, salad, and bread' and just tucking into their warm, fresh slightly brown-ish bread with a little metal tin of butter. And the soup, different every day, the potato herb being my all-time favorite. And salad, crafted simply with mesclun greens on glass plates with their amazing dressing (tomato vin.)...
The tempeh reubens and grilled cheese sandwiches were also so, so good.
One of the greater cooking compliments of my life was from the owner/chef of this magical restaurant, when he praised a vegan pot pie I made for a community meeting.
I love where I live and have places to go for good meals, extra good meals, truly favorite meals, and once a year meals... but that place has never quite been replicated. Maybe it was simply bound with time and space and place in life, inevitably linked to that age and those people and who I was then and there, but I don't think it's that simple. I think there is more to it, a unique spice of synergy where someone truly loved what they were doing and loved the place they had to do it in.
It ended with sorrow and loss, and that is sad to recall. But it was special and beautiful and a key part of why my memories of that time in my life are good ones.
The tempeh reubens and grilled cheese sandwiches were also so, so good.
One of the greater cooking compliments of my life was from the owner/chef of this magical restaurant, when he praised a vegan pot pie I made for a community meeting.
I love where I live and have places to go for good meals, extra good meals, truly favorite meals, and once a year meals... but that place has never quite been replicated. Maybe it was simply bound with time and space and place in life, inevitably linked to that age and those people and who I was then and there, but I don't think it's that simple. I think there is more to it, a unique spice of synergy where someone truly loved what they were doing and loved the place they had to do it in.
It ended with sorrow and loss, and that is sad to recall. But it was special and beautiful and a key part of why my memories of that time in my life are good ones.
Monday, October 28, 2013
riding a new bike
Yesterday marked the inaugural ride on the new bike. The mountain bike. The yes, I live in the mountain bike capital of the world and I guess I'd better stop saying, "no, I don't mountain bike," bike. The now I have biking shoes, gloves, and special shorts with a magic chamois incorporated into them, on their magic way, bike.
But to ride a bike, start to get your groove, start to develop a feel for shifting, a feel for the bike's braking, a feel for remembering to relax your shoulders - this is good.
In the bigger picture and the more rational/rationalizing side of myself, I can certainly see that having specific shoes, gloves, sunglasses, et. al for riding a bike is, maybe, not completely necessary to ensure successful biking endeavors. And yet, to have shoes, gloves, and the like to gear up in and go out for a bike ride adds a level of compulsion to the whole event that I think, if I let myself, I will like.
Mind you, yesterday's ride was on hard top surfaces, on side roads and bicycle paths and a brief stint along the highway - there was, in fact, no mountainous biking involved. However, it's a tantilizing prospect to work toward, building some comfort and feel with the bike and some strength, to help ensure a more successful first outing into actual mountain/off-road environs.
There is some power in making a decision to grant ourselves a new hobby and then going forward in that decision fully. Sensibly, making smart choices and not buying the latest and greatest crazy gear nor a terribly expensive bicycle; but still, saying YES to tne concept and making it happen.
But to ride a bike, start to get your groove, start to develop a feel for shifting, a feel for the bike's braking, a feel for remembering to relax your shoulders - this is good.
In the bigger picture and the more rational/rationalizing side of myself, I can certainly see that having specific shoes, gloves, sunglasses, et. al for riding a bike is, maybe, not completely necessary to ensure successful biking endeavors. And yet, to have shoes, gloves, and the like to gear up in and go out for a bike ride adds a level of compulsion to the whole event that I think, if I let myself, I will like.
Mind you, yesterday's ride was on hard top surfaces, on side roads and bicycle paths and a brief stint along the highway - there was, in fact, no mountainous biking involved. However, it's a tantilizing prospect to work toward, building some comfort and feel with the bike and some strength, to help ensure a more successful first outing into actual mountain/off-road environs.
There is some power in making a decision to grant ourselves a new hobby and then going forward in that decision fully. Sensibly, making smart choices and not buying the latest and greatest crazy gear nor a terribly expensive bicycle; but still, saying YES to tne concept and making it happen.
Friday, October 25, 2013
blts ahoy
The skies are blue, the clouds are puffy, and it is Friday afternoon. The weekend is just ahead, and after many, many weeks of little resemblence of "weekend" in my life, the prospect of something that will be the most weekend-eqsue weekend in a long while is quite pleasing.
The weekend will commence with blts for dinner. There may be red wine. There will likely be dvds from the video store.
The urge to get out and GO is felt by more parties than the resident border collie. GO!
The weekend will commence with blts for dinner. There may be red wine. There will likely be dvds from the video store.
The urge to get out and GO is felt by more parties than the resident border collie. GO!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
write what you are looking for...
If you find yourself surfing the internet for the magical blog that will provide the inspired reading you are seeking in your life, and instead only finding sweet and lovely people who are:
1) significantly younger than you are
2) living a very different life than you are
3) talking about things which don't particularly speak to your heart or mind
4) are obsessed with frozen yogurt, chia seeds, and lulumon;
then, perhaps it's high time to create the words you wish you were finding out there working the google on the internet machine.
So, I'm 40. I don't have kids. I don't like frozen yogurt. I don't make chia seed pudding with stevia and pumpkin.
What I am is 40. Pretty good self esteem but pretty low self confidence. Pretty happy with a lot of my life, pretty overwhelmed by a lot of the details in my life. Pretty comfortable with who I am, pretty sad about the self-loathing that still steers the ship some days.
I'm not a sparky personality. I'm a steady trudger you may not have noticed. I don't own a garmin, but I aspire to break 10 minute miles. I like really healthy food, and I struggle every single day not to self medicate with crappy stuff (mostly to make myself feel bad).
I'm a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, an animal person, a horse person. A reader, a runner, a hiker, a new bike owner. So easily hurt, but also so strong and able to hang in there.
I wish I had the recipe for myself - to get out of my own way. To take risks when appropriate. To release the things that are gone for good.
I do know that a lot of the ingredients I'm throwing into the mixing bowl of myself are not so good lately. Too much stress, sugar, worry; too little sleep, exercise, play.
Time to sweep the grit off the pathway and step ahead with some confidence.
1) significantly younger than you are
2) living a very different life than you are
3) talking about things which don't particularly speak to your heart or mind
4) are obsessed with frozen yogurt, chia seeds, and lulumon;
then, perhaps it's high time to create the words you wish you were finding out there working the google on the internet machine.
So, I'm 40. I don't have kids. I don't like frozen yogurt. I don't make chia seed pudding with stevia and pumpkin.
What I am is 40. Pretty good self esteem but pretty low self confidence. Pretty happy with a lot of my life, pretty overwhelmed by a lot of the details in my life. Pretty comfortable with who I am, pretty sad about the self-loathing that still steers the ship some days.
I'm not a sparky personality. I'm a steady trudger you may not have noticed. I don't own a garmin, but I aspire to break 10 minute miles. I like really healthy food, and I struggle every single day not to self medicate with crappy stuff (mostly to make myself feel bad).
I'm a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, an animal person, a horse person. A reader, a runner, a hiker, a new bike owner. So easily hurt, but also so strong and able to hang in there.
I wish I had the recipe for myself - to get out of my own way. To take risks when appropriate. To release the things that are gone for good.
I do know that a lot of the ingredients I'm throwing into the mixing bowl of myself are not so good lately. Too much stress, sugar, worry; too little sleep, exercise, play.
Time to sweep the grit off the pathway and step ahead with some confidence.
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