Laundry day while apartment living is not the best of times, but when the laundromat is empty, it is hardly the worst of times. And also, it will be done for the week and that is a good thing. That said, the internet connection is disappointingly slow and thus one is forced not to futz around on the blue social media page but rather, do other things on the internet machine.
There is something a bit humbling about revisiting one's hopes about turning a particular age, only then to realize that few magic things happened in conjunction with that age turning. The day was decent enough, the meal out was fabulousness beyond compare, the cake didn't turn out so well but it was fun indeed to consume it with a fork.
But the underlying concern here would be that the greatest truths of the duality lifestyle are still ever present. Defeat myself at every turn, I have mastered it. Loath myself just a tiny little bit below the surface, I have that on lock down. Deny myself joy each and every day - check, baby.
The good? You know, the thing is I have no energy to sit and write up a "good things in my life" type listy. It seems both daunting and annoying.
The shit that I am over, and over, and over, again and always?
-Candy and crap
-Not fueling myself with food that makes me go mmmmmm...
-Hating how I look
-Hating my clothes
-Feeling like a lump, awkward
-Feeling frumpy and unpolished
-Feeling like I don't know what ME is - ie, "express yourself" yes, but what does that mean?
-On some level, denying myself running to feel worse
-On a similar level, denying myself having fun training my dog
-Ignoring my needs to serve the idea of other
But the thing is, if I don't run several times a week I feel like crap. So, I feel pretty much like crap. If I eat toast for breakfast I feel like crap. Check check. If I shut off me then me is pretty effectively shut off, shut down, and zoned out.
WTF, yes?
Purge the fucking clothes, Jen
Make a fucking menu plan, Jen
Run.
Have fun with your awesome little dog.
Focus on yourself because all else improves when the self is healthy and happy.
Um, dude? You turned 40. You ran a fucking half marathon. You're pretty awesome. So, be it.
