Sometimes, I think it is quite easy to see that you are bored. Stuck, dull, in a rut, disengaged, half alive, not really present. Sometimes, this becomes such habit and lifestyle that it becomes difficult to even see it, to recognize the rut.
When I sit here and watch a youtube video of the glee cast performing the time warp... it is abundantly clear that I am entrenched in the muddied wasteland of boredom, disengagement, half-aliveness, and sleepwalking through my life. I mean, I love music and I'm a sucker for musicals and if I had television I know I'd be slurping this show down like fresh squeezed orange juice. I would, I admit that. But, I don't have television and I do have a job and a life, sort of, and I wish the highlight of my day was something a bit more substantial than watching a glee video on youtube.
But what? Okay, in some ways I know the answer to that. Break through the walls I've built up, risk caring, risk engaging, risk expressing, etc. Yadayada and all that. But. But. Also, to find feeling and connection and passion about the world. That's a goal. Finding a way to smile. Walking through the world with an expression that says, I am content and alive. Not one that causes others to assume I am worried or exhausted. That look wins the contest most times. Content and alive, not so much screen time these days.
I can feel how much this "life to be" is going to be good - I can see it and feel it and envision it. I can see myself running with my dog to be, making a cup of tea in my little kitchen in a home that feels like a home and not just a place I happen to live in; heading into the house to create a delicious breakfast feast full of humor and joy for my guests, chatting and laughing a bit, talking about the day ahead, feeling the goodness of human connection and being alive. I know it's ahead.
But the here and now... the getting there from here. That's the hard part. The flipping BORING part. The stressful part. The part that makes me wish I had a fast-forward button. But at the same time, no, not really, because I need to sit and stew and steep and percolate in this uncomfortable here and now and find my way out. Find my peace of mind and joy of self. Find my contentment. I won't say find my bliss, because I haven't read enough about all that to have the right to use that expression, but maybe I'll say, find my groove. Or at the risk of being lame and quoting a magazine article, find my mojo.
Maybe that's the right word though. I know there's this sparkle buried under an exterior of shut down, of get by, of put up with, of tolerate, of endure and get the hell over it. So maybe that's the focus, to dig down deep into that slurry and grab a fierce and protective hold of that sparkle and coax it out to the surface and let my mojo shine, man.
Because I want to stride through life with purpose and joy and connection. And watch glee on television with a glass of wine and a big old smile on my face.
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