but then why can't I stop eating hershey's kisses today?

So here's the thing. I am coming up on the anniversary of the one random morning when, while driving past a boring little town named after sedimentary material, and for no particular reason on that day because it was not special, I finally had the "ah-ha" moment that had nothing to do with ground-breaking music videos. It was the breakthrough of oh, I get it. After over a year of fairly intensive work on myself and depressive tendencies and self-punishment and "this is how it's going to be forever, life sucks, it's all I deserve, it's all miserable," I think I was expecting a more "ta dah" kind of experience. All it was, was "oh, I get it" and the sense of a release through my heart. But I'll take that.

But here I am a year later and I still am having the kind of day where I eat a lot (and I mean a LOT) of crap. Today it's Hershey's Kisses. I don't even like them. I honestly have never been a big fan of these. But they were on sale and they are chocolate and if I eat them mindlessly enough, the repetitive thing is numbing. The huge sugar assault on my body and brain is numbing. The glob of chocolates in my belly is numbing. But then it's all icky. Feel icky from the sugar... feel icky in the belly... feel cloudy and icky in the head... feel icky in the mind because of the behavior...

How does a person understand one thing but not the other? Or, perhaps more accurately, how do we continue to break down walls within our minds and selves instead of being somehow satisfied with, well -I fixed THIS thing over here... well - I made THIS change over here... well, this is still a huge and ugly ball of muck in my life and I want to set it down and let it biodegrade by the side of the road of life and stop weighing me down.

If I cannot commit my full self to living a happy life - if I cannot truly allow myself to LIVE and live happily - then I will continue to hurt myself. I know that, I get it. But I can also see and feel how my internal self does not GET it. Not quite yet. That ah-ha hasn't happened yet.