again with the iPhone but at least it's writing

Late in the evening, a long weekend past (almost, anyway) and the new work week is upon me again. Lessons of the weekend: my unhealthy love affair with potato chips probably needs to meet a sad ending; I am getting good at using filler to patch nail holes; I am bolder on a mountain bike than I imagined I would be. And, I need to watch it because I don't like that we can do in a bottle of wine in two evenings. High time to shake loose of a few habits that truly need to stay adhered to the "it's stressful building a house" phase of our lives, and not enable said habits to become fixed like evil barnacles to the undersides of our continuing lives.

creep up and leap, or at least giant step

A number of small things are percolating away in the background of life right now. Well, some are hardly small but rather quite flipping substantial life changers - and yet, they are a constant background white noise of sorts, because the every day mundane has a bit more volume and intensity about it.

Somehow, in spite of myself perhaps, one of the background simmers is this notion of taking a small bold step toward... whatever. Toward recreation and exercise and feeling free (bikes), as one example. Two bike rides down, years to go - but I will say, that on each of those two rides I have had moments of pure bliss and gratitude that we took the leap and bought the bikes and said, yes we will now start riding mountain bikes together.

Two new shirts - that fit, flatter, are cozy as hell, and that I quite like - leap away. Serious consideration to another one while there is a lovely sale in place - giant step. But good. Feeling hesitant about purchasing pants, but really, self: the two pairs of dress pants in the closet are, in fact: #1 the wrong size and thus a slightly loose and unflattering fit; #2 too high waisted and make you at least FEEL like you look weird, even if no one is particularly noticing and assessing and deciding that you look weird; #3 purchased over 2 years ago so what the heck do they owe you at this point? So, sale? Buy one get half off a second? JUMP.

Polish the darn shoes. Be an adult and embrace your life, girl. Two weeks to narrow down pictures for the haircut - so do it. Articulate the result, find the photos, jump.

Be like the game of old - giant steps - gain ground and laugh.

when it's getting dark it's not as much fun to go run after work.

Light change this time of year... it's less than fabulous. Trying to eek out a few more evenings of fast-fast-fast change of clothes and shoes upon my arrival home, so the dog and I can get in a short run before it's too flipping dark to be safe. Knowing that it will be full dark before we get to our front door makes it really hard to get out the door in the first place. But... but. I know I'll feel better and to take it further, the 10k in a few short weeks is going to feel hella better (is that the term?) if I get in some consistent runs before then.

Yet right now, I am beat tired and even the prospect of preparing dinner seems daunting.

Ugh. One way or another, out the door I'll go. Thanks, dog; you do me good.

try writing on your phone

Five days a week like sit-ups is the challenge to myself. No excuses and carry on. So what if it is late, so what if you shoveled a ton of road base and got glutened at dinner and man does this iPhone try to auto correct in annoying ways. Write, sister, because the only way you will is if you do. Leap of faith. Or you'll be forever parched.

where is a good makeover show when you need it

Self discovery, and the sheer value and thrill and ins and outs and heartbreaks and heart-awakenings of the process aside, some days I'd love to be swept up in a makeover show, or even just a professional who would step in, take my hand, and deal with it. Figure out the haircut, that looks feminine but edgy, polished but casual, professional but not run of the mill. Figure out the right wardrobe, so I could just go out and make a few calculated purchases and presto whammo have the magic wardrobe for work that feels crisp, professional, authentic, comfortable.

Are brown boots the right decision? First world problem, indeed.

But the reality is, I think that I am on track, so to speak, to steer  my ship toward dark wash boot cut jeans and a dressy blouse and a few cardis to layer over it - with a pair of polished boots or clogs, and a hairstyle that steps it the hell up from a ponytail every.single.day.

I think that when I wear a version of this in casual life, I feel self-like, self-ish, of the self. Feel like myself. Female but not girly. Mature but not middle aged. Put together but not too studied. Myself, only slightly improved in outward presentation thereof.

I like the way it feels to feel comfortable in my clothes. That is a rare, rare feeling, in spite of the fact that I wear clothes every day. Why not feel comfortable most every day? Why not?

Order the boots tomorrow. Think hard about ordering the pants, to try the brand fit and cut. Get on with it, girl.

and instead, gluten free white bread

I know I need to get back on track with cutting out the grains, the sugars, and cutting the dairy way back (and goat-ifying it). Less gut bloat, clearer skin, etc.

But when you're stressed out and overwhelmed, it's so much easier to buy a bag of chocolates to eat at work and a loaf of udi's white bread for toast in the morning.

Eggs and some form of breakfasty meats have not been appealing to me lately - however, I know from my own history that often times that which is most bad for me, physically, is exactly the food group that I crave. In other words, toast aint what my body needs, and thus it's what I am most craving, psychologically.

However, to turn the tide? Requires focus, commitment, worth of self... hmmm.

Right now, toast.

if the shoes don't fit

When it looks like a cool boot and sounds like a cool boot and awakens some interest in forming some go-to weekend ensembles crafted around some kickin' boots, ordering the boots is a cool move. Respectful of the self and positive yet thoughtful impulse.

However, if the boots end up looking flipping huge and make you feel even more aware of your large feet; if they buckle along the side like your feet are too shallow and just look funny, if the leather texture screams "don't I remind you of those keen boots you used to wear every single day of your life while you felt like crap about all facets of your life?" - well then maybe, free returns is a good feature to embrace.

If you don't love them, then they don't work, so spoke a wise friend.

I want to love them, but I don't. I need to love myself, so I need to not keep boots which are not quite right.

Because why set yourself up to further cultivate self-loathing by keeping a somewhat expensive pair of footwear which doesn't quite work right? So you can feel stupid and bad every time you wear them, or don't wear them?

Two words, self: Free Returns. Embrace it. Much more of a warm fuzzy than say, stupid self.

There are other shoes out there. You'll find them. They probably won't solve the great universal mystery of self love, but they should at least fit well.