-through or -down

On the cusp - maybe? Possibly? On the cusp, overwhelmed, irritable, slightly irrational, moody, peevish, self-loathing, tears are threatening, candy is ingesting, clothes are being loathed, exercise is not happening, deep internal questions are stewing miserably...

Breakthrough time?

Breakdown time?

Will the former.

listy list list

Goals. Not just for futbol.

1. Carry no debt beyond home mortgage.
2. Run the Winter Sun in 1 hour.
3. Simplify the stuff.
4. Be present.
5. Invest in health.
6. Horse.
7. Live on a great budget that works.
8. Relax and enjoy.
9. Cultivate and celebrate friendship.
10. Write.
11. Care for yourself.
12. Let go and be visible.
13. Make it your home.

pete and repeat went into a store

It can be a little disheartening to see the same feelings and problems and issues and habits being hashed out again and again and again in a spew of words that months and years apart essentially say the same thing and document the same underlying issues.

When I saw the presumed pre-teen girl sitting in her dirt driveway by herself, hidden by the trees and shrubs, in what I guess to be a moment of trying to escape everything and having no power to do so - so the best option is to go hide outside by yourself for a little while so at least no one sees you cry - I thought, I wish I could go fix it for her.

And now I am trying to remind myself, go fix it for yourself. Treat yourself with the gentleness, decency, support, encouragement, kind challenges to try new things, and willingness to be present, that you would try to support that girl with. Because you still are that girl, and she deserves better.

the buh-blahs

Caught somewhere between a blue funk, a spiral of self-defeatest loathing, and a simple lack of putting my self first. Now, that last statement is loaded - putting myself first - but I mean that in a michelle o kind of way, as in taking excellent care of myself mind/body/spirit so as to be a more loving, energetic, capable human helping better the lives of those around her. Right? Right. Something like that, at the very least.

Because, as I so eloquently say, if given the chance to fuck myself over, I will.

All I want right now is to curl up in a ball on the couch in the sunshine, with my animals, a lot of sweets and potato chips, preferably a bottle of wine, and to marathon watch something as sophisticated as the entire twilight saga. Which is hardly a saga. Gone With the Wind is a saga. CGI giant wolves not so much.

day by freaking day, chica.

buh bye, cake

After a questionably delightful lunch of reheated leftover turkey sage meatloaf with a handful of arugula tossed on top (for, you know, vegetables), the last bit of birthday cake was demolished.

Really, only the frosting part and the wee bit of cake that abuts the frosting is the good part. Right?

SO, the harsher reality sets in, the one in which there are really no sweets in the house. Yikes.

I don't want to set completely rigid rules for myself, and thus be doomed to failure, inevitably. I'd like instead to abide by a firm guideline, so that I can choose to waver (ie, driving home from Grand Junction on Saturday, I may partake of a sweetened beverage and candy bar), but overall, for both humans' sakes, we need to kick the ass of the candy habit.

Oh cake, how I will miss you. You've sat there, quietly and patiently, ever so slowly growing more stale these past few days, each day growing smaller and smaller, yet in spite of your mediocrity managing to hit the sweet fix I need at the end of the day. Adieu.

let the sun shine

Decided; that the current alarm clock which has been the same noise for several years, having lost its power of wake-uppedness, and having ceased to result in both prompt and pleasant awakenings; we are in need of a new alarm clock.

Ideally, I'd like one that wakes you up with music (not radio, music) and/or a pleasant sound or sounds and/or ideally, increased light.

Ideally, I would also like to awaken promptly and pleasantly, and/or not drag myself up in an unpleasant state.

It would be nice to feel calm and peaceful in the morning, and for both of us to get to work on time with ease; thus, more awake time is necessary.

A harsh clanging isn't the way to pleasantness.

beware the sugar beast

Mind you, we (really, I) are (am) slowly finishing the so-so birthday cake and the last of the red wine in the house. That said, no candy, cookies, ice cream, et al were purchased at the grocery store yesterday.

The horror will likely commence about Wednesday, as:
tonight we'll finish the red wine
tomorrow night we'll finish the cake

Although, there will be something at book club Wednesday night...
but it won't be an entire bag of candy.

Hey, self? You saved $5-10 bucks by not buying "treats" yesterday. Be happy.
So, ware the sugar beast.